How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
