I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
