watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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