I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
