god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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