Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
