one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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