I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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