Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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