You're my little dorito
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
