Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
