Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there's paper in my vomit.
even my farts smell like vagina
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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