That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
