Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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