who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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