i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
