dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
