im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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