Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
