the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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