dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That accounts for only three of the penises
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
