So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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