When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
