well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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