I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
