In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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