For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
