Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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