he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
