How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
