I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
