I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
