I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
why didn't you poke me back
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
