Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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