Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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