she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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