Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
