i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize