I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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