DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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