My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
