I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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