the condom got lost in my hair
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
