You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
