Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
