I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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