If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
