so explain again why im purple
no
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
