it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
