I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
